Chin Wey ™

reviewing back on my blog, i realized that i have not posting a new page for a quarter! this page is going to be the kickstart for the year of 2013. time really really flies, 3 months have just passed like that, without noticing...i should have noticed it as i have received pay for 3 times, lol...but they are just not enough...lol

recalling the past year by reading again of what i have posted, all the scenarios are somehow still fresh in my mind, is like they are just happened not long ago...they sounded silly to me now. i dont blame anyone for the cause but myself. im still feel the beauty behind the sad story and still wish the happiness come to her. i have walked out from the sadness, not back like the past, but different person now. probably less sentimental person, lack of after-work life, closed minded person person? i have no idea

i can sense myself what has happen to me ever since then, but i dont have any action to figure out why had happened and how to overcome them. i just let it be the way it is. i turned to be not an outgoing person, unwilling to get to know new person, even girls. its like im not ready to get something new in my life or make any changes to them. everything is just fine for me now. i dont want to listen to trouble, i dont want to know something that will change anything in my life. friends and colleagues are surprised at first when they realized im not the first one to know if there are female newbies join the company, instead im consider the last few to know and acknowledged their presence. they tried to introduce girls to me as friends, but i just do not have the intention to know someone new. its not that i have abnormal sexual attraction! i just feel uneasy to any strangers now. im kinda feel myself easy when im alone. probably this make me wanted to stay at home for most of the time and not going out. friends would not realize this as i still okay and react normally as they are the people i have known before, but like to stay at home more. the feeling of reluctant to go meet new people is there, probably im not ready for a change in my life?

i have purchased a flight ticket to Kota Kinabalu to conquer the mountain recently. i am so happy to know that i finally have the chance to see another greatest nature in my life again. but this made my mum kinda not happy though. this is because my mum feels that i like freedom and do not plan for my future. this surprises me as she made a statement saying i need to get married and have kids. i simply replied her that i do not even have a girlfriend, how am i going to do that? she made another statement that really shocked me, saying that im not young anymore and should start getting stable in my life now. she never talked about this to me and i always thought that she dont care much about my happiness since im just 25 (oh no ><) this year. i cant imagine she said that. i just feel funny when she said that. i know i should not give up after a small failure, and this failure is even you have not start the relation yet. living in this world for 25 years now and you still cant get a person as your partner of life? is it because i am too choosy, or i like freedom more than love, or family first, or myself not a good qualification?

i always say it aloud that i dont mind to be forever alone, but still deep in my heart, i mind! i am really mind that i forever alone. one of my friend always envy me for having siblings in my family as my friend does not has any, but still as we grown up, we would have our own family and they could not take care of you forever. i still have to grown up by myself and if i still cant get anyone, i will stay and live by myself.

recent medical check-ups at clinic and hospital really put me in a awkward situation. doctors advised me to get a girlfirend. LOL. both doctors advised similar things to me. i should get a girlfriend and build your family.  but it seems like i couldnt make it this year. im closing myself to all possible new doors. i dont have any intention to get the chunk of keys and open them. just let them get rust and i walked by them. i know it doesnt seems serious to me but it will get serious as the time goes by. but i dont know how to help myself.

there is a friend who recently changed totally the way he treat me. or probably all the while im the one who go and bother him. we have nothing to talk and even sees nothing when he passed by me. well, he used to be    my good friend but i dont see he appreciate it but hated it. i tried to look for him to talk but to avail. thats the way he choose to and i cant do anything. i have put my effort to do it and he dont appreciate it, and im done. its awkward when someone used to close to you in the past, but sees you as invisible now. but i cant do anything...

i become more and more keeping the feeling to myself, pretending as if im okay everyday. i have turned into person who do not how to express my own feeling. everyday is like normal feeling for me. i have no energy to express them out, to anyone else. i feel like a monotone, awaiting someday to burst. lol

maybe is because i have been long time dont blog...lol...but its a great midnight for me...