its the last day of the year...kinda hilarious to you and ashamed to myself when any of your new year eve plans do not work at all. Everyone is going with their own plan, without counting you in; even though you have planned it earlier on...when you thought that you gonna spend the new year eve all by yourself, facing the computer, with 4 walls of your room, or your house alone, with the sound of the table fan spinning breaks the silence of the night of all nights, and your mouth doesnt throw any voice out...unexpected things happened. i dont know how to describe it. just let it be...
well, sometimes of all the things happened, they are just making me even reluctant to organising activities anymore, since i will not get the activity to run eventually...i will just let it be, let it be...
it's almost the end of 2012, and the world is still there. Thank god! although the world is revived, yet im still single, walking by myself...i wonder should i wish for this in 2013? lol...
till today im still hoping for a real-life story that always appears in the drama. once couple of us suddenly came into a discussion of how would our dream wedding would be. and i recalled a wedding scene that i watched in the korean drama, save your last dance for me. a garden-themed wedding reception, with olive wreath on the head, with a small white house as the background would be a dream wedding reception for me. i must be day-dreaming again...lol
out of my realization, i have worked for a complete whole year this year. time really flies, without awaiting you a single second. it's kinda good to have such a speedo time sometimes...but sometimes procrastination really kills me, some of the resolutions arent achieved this year! the remaining will be carried forward maybe? hahahahahaha...well, sometimes when especially you fell into the well, you just feel like everyday is a working day, even the weekends. you dont feel like giving any single second of chance for your mind to think of something that arent worthy at all. i did fell into such situations for couple of months. luckily the company is in the island, and there's some distance away from my house. otherwise, i might become the workaholic then! working somehow motivates me and directs me to go through my life. probably i have put too much of myself into working now, is not my willingness but somehow it did happen in this way...
there are ups and downs tough in this year...and some of them is still on going, but i'll just let it be, tired of getting involved in all things. im still lack of confident to maintain myself stable even though i am 24, and soon +1 next year, which is really really close. hopefully my new year resolution + outstanding this year would be a great kick start for the year 2013. im gonna rock the year with full of excitement, travels, and fun! happy 2013!
after sometime, where you feel that you are comfort with everything that is happening around you, but actually you are not. it just that nobody triggers you for what has happened in the past...until when someone talks about it...where you feel that you are actually lying and shielding yourself from the fact and reality...
i have been self-hypnotized that i will be okay, i will be fine...i can stay strong, tough...well, im unsure. im not too sure i am?
the so called self-proud of what i am now isnt really what i really proud of myself...in fact, i feel im such a failure, or a jerk, or a coward for being contradicting of what i really feel...i just do not be brave enough to speak out, probably of the things i saw, i know, taught me to be extremely careful of any decision made...it's like no take two for me...really?
though people are telling me that it's doesnt be the final and ultimate of your life, you still can re-choose if you feel unsuitable, but i just cant imagine myself being fallen into the deepest core of the earth, covered myself with tears and the awful look.
i feel that im getting more and more indecisive in my life...afraid of making any judgement...even a simple thing in life...the worst is i dont even want to appreciate the time i have...i just let it flow like the water stream...without knowing what i can do with the wasted time...
i dont know what is the medicine to bring me back to the real of myself...im like started to give up of everything. it's like everything isnt important to me anymore. realizing a supportive element is really important for you to strive and move on in your life...i've regret to let it go...
it's a memorable, yet a waste for me...im trying to call it off...probably with an escape would help more...or the arrival of new element..which the another me now would rebel it...it is a fuss...messed up...
一首我未曾去好好的明白它的歌曲，竟然事隔了好几年也总与让我明白，也让我体会到歌曲的背后故事。。。还记得曾经在包厢里点过无数次动一首歌，当时觉的歌曲好唱，就那么简单。万万没有想到我既然牢牢记得歌词。。。
事隔了好几个月，终于还是要画上句号。。。这种感觉比我之前得知来的不一样。好可惜哦。。。
一场误会，就误会了好久，好久。。。我被淘汰了。若这场误会不存在，结局会是怎样呢？得知是一场误会，我不知道会是一件我值得去开心还是难过。事实亦胜定局。现在的我无法能做出任何补救。我只能。。。
是时候去忙一忙，散散心了。。。现在的我能吗？
days has past, but still...un-flushed. attempted to flush it months ago but to avail. it's like keep on haunting you forever. it starts to grow back when it starts to fade off. Keeping reminding myself that it is just my own party of a wrong perception, but when the subsequent things get better, i couldnt hallucinating myself again. it's like i like to wait for answer unanswered. keeping myself filtered from all "rumours" and accepting the answered from the party is what i want? Or should i just disqualifying myself from the battle field, and sentence the feeling death by accepting the rumours. I couldnt stop intuition of controlling myself although my rational told not and must not to do in this way...
Please sentence me to death! Im trying hard to kill it but i...*sigh* i think i'll just stop thinking of this since i have always meet the death end on every single attempt. remain staying in my current pace would be the best solution?
another month pass again without something that tickles my heart happen. im not sure whether this is a good sign or not. i read from some places that life will be meaningful if there's ups and downs in it. life shouldn't be dull and stays in zero gradient line. well, as for me, i know it's inevitable to have sad and sorrows in my bibliography. but i try to make my life as meaningful as i can :)
looking back to my previous posts, it seems i like to write down my thoughts and my sorrows rather than something meaningful or remarkable. well...probably i cant find someone to talk to regarding about my sorrow and have to write it down here...but after sometime, i would just feel fool of writing them down. maybe this is the way of releasing my stress? or probably this would be just a single man will do. Yea, he said it right. I've never dated anyone before and i wouldn't know the feeling of being loved and cared deeply by the person you love :). yea, i know i missed alot chances in my life of getting someone that i like. i...just...*sigh*
sometimes human are like aliens to me. you will never know what's the theory or philosophy of life behind them. some people do not appreciate when you did something good but they would just said i deserved to be treated in that way. but when you did slightly something bad, he or she will spread to the whole world of your bad. will this kind of friendship last long? "Hey, I'm just your friend. NOT your slave nor your follower. I keep silent doesnt mean i agree with what you did. True friends will correct you when you did wrong. SO LOOK AT YOURSELF WHO WILL CORRECT YOU THEN!!!" sometimes im just disappointed with this kind of people of being selfish and arrogant. *sigh* i just have to release it here. I do not want to bring anger and hatred to anyone else. Just be myself will do. Don't i look dumb and naive? or foolish? lol...
are memories can be erased that easily in short time? looking at a situation where you used to shared with the person you liked but after sometime, you still remember the situation but not the person in the situation. the face of the person is blurr and you need the person to recall back who actually owns the blurr face. pretty heart-broken huh? :(
leaving everything behind and keep going with my life :)
perhaps im the root cause of all, i should blame myself. being rational, excessively?
thinking that the life must be perfect for all the time, or most of the time, sometimes i am not myself either. attempting to label things with a full stop perfectly, i lose to myself. even when im trying to re-correct of all messy handwriting that i have made, i continuously re-write and re-write. and i may just lose the ink before i can mark the full stop. rationalism and passion for the perfection of many things kill you?
when i first acknowledge myself moving to penang, i realized the house is not equipped with basic needs, and i started to think "can i survive here?". but i try my best to clean the house everyweek, without allowing a single dust to be there. well i admit that i am very particular of the cleanliness of the environment i am. this is perfection.
rationalism always overwhelm me when i started to make any decision, or would it be self-sufficient that actually overwhelm all this? yeah yeah, i admit im just a failure in this aspect, attempting hard to put away all this and move forward to it. hopefully i can make everything work before it is late :)
sounds ridiculous, huh? but it seems like im entering and exiting the reality. well, im looking forward to regain my strength to stay in the reality rather than walking in and out from there. it's easy to walk out from there but terrific task for me to walk in back.
month of july has arrived. the month that supposed not to have any public holiday in my dictionary has turned into different way. Penang's Yang-Dipertuan birthday falls on this month, and im getting holiday for that, sounds good :)
i have finally be the first timer after so many years survived on this planet to step into the neighbouring country, Singapore last month! Sounds hilarious for a Malaysian to say so as it is so much near to us and i only stepped into after being getting so old. well, i got my first passport last year, LOL!
Singapore, a country that we must respect. with its' regulations and return to the community, i feel somehow it's a country that can be lived IF the size expanded 10 to 15 times larger than now, hehe...im trying to imagine driving on the completely flat road without any holes found, just like there. realizing that Penang roads are rated terrible, is like every km has a hole that make passenger stay awake and users has to drive like a snake to get rid of them...also, no stink smell of trash or waste found everywhere in the island of singapore..unlike penang...sigh. penang must rebrand for its cleanliness and infrastructure, and not only focusing on rapid and mass development. what is the point of being well developed state with great investors but lousy infrastructure and worst environment?
moving on with my life and stay stronger to meet the challenges in life! nothing is impossible :)
Recent feeling is indescribable. No reason for that. It seems like something amiss now. The feeling is different, no longer the same. Things are moving in slow pace, the time is crawling. Passion is no longer there, but feeling is. Does rational judgement really works for me? Or im being dumb of not accepting and continue to go for it? Im just a coward, totally? Though in the middle of a bunch of people, but i feel only myself there, alone...I understand myself shouldnt be in this forever, i have to walk out from this. i know i have to let it be temporary, but how long should i be in this? Almost everyday I have to face the fact, does this make myself weaker or stronger? Guess everytime i see the cold response, the more memories flashes back in my mind. Is this the return that i will get for what i have done? I will try to walk out from this and move on to the life that i wish for :)
Out of my realization, I found myself, still missing her...Should I be in this situation? Since you are out of this, why you still want to stay at the same pace and don't move on with your own?
刚刚在我的电脑播放了倪安东的歌，让我爱她。。。不是第一次顶到这首歌。只是这一次推动我写了这片文章。歌词特别有意识。感情有起有落，喜怒哀乐，酸甜苦辣。 喜欢一个人不是罪，或许我把它看得太重？
一个没有开始的恋情可以叫做爱情吗？爱情会让人等到累吗？ 为什么双方都喜欢不能在一起？我的问题？还是我自以为事？一个没开始就结束了的恋情可以失恋吗？是时候把句点画上了吗，还是等待何期待恋爱的来临？
一大清早的星期六出去做运动，不不，因该这样说，还没回家就要做运动果然是我的工作那么久以来第一次。这还不倒是人生中吧。以前的我当时还在吉隆坡的时候都有多多少少一大清早出去做运动，当时的身材多算还不错啦。。。嘻嘻。。。
回到家打开我的音乐盒，想想说听听一下下歌曲，好让一阵天的心情变得好点点，无意中看到了其中一首正在播放的歌曲，五月天的干杯。。。不久睡了一会，就正在写着部落各，让我听到一首好像能说出我的心声，李玖哲，想太多。。。
五月天 - 干杯
会不会 有一天 时间真的能倒退
退回 你的我的 回不去 的悠悠的岁月
也许会 有一天 世界真的有终点
也要和你举起回忆酿的甜 和你再乾一杯
如果说 要我选出 代表青春 那个画面
浮现了 那滴眼泪 那片蓝天 那年毕业
那一张 边哭边笑 还要拥抱 是你的脸
想起来 可爱可怜 可歌可泣 可是多怀念
怀念总是 突然怀念 不谈条件
当回忆 冲破考卷 冲出岁月 在我眼前
我和你 留着汗水 喝着汽水 在操场边
说好了 无论如何 一起走到 未来的世界
现在就是 那个未来 那个世界
为什么 你的身边 我的身边 不是同一边
友情曾像 诺亚方舟 坚强誓言
只是我 望着海面 等着永远 模糊了视线
会不会 有一天 时间真的能倒退
退回 你的我的 回不去的 悠悠的岁月
也许会 有一天 世界真的有终点
也要和你举起回忆酿的甜 和你再乾一杯
这些年 买了四轮 买了手表 买了单眼
却发现 追不到的 停不了的 还是那些
人生是 只有认命 只能宿命 只好宿醉
只剩下 高的笑点 低的哭点 却没成熟点
成熟就是 幻想幻灭 一场磨练
为什么 只有梦想 越磨越小 小到不见
有时候 好想流泪 好想流泪 却没眼泪
期待会 你会不会 他会不会 开个同学会
他在等你 你在等我 我在等谁
又是谁 孩子没睡 电话没电 心情没准备
天空不断 黑了又亮 亮了又黑
那光阴 沧海桑田 远走高飞 再没力气追
终究会 有一天 我们都变成昨天
是你 陪我走过 一生一回 匆匆的人间
有一天 就是今天 今天就是有一天
说出一直没说 对你的感谢 和你再乾一杯
再乾一杯永远 喝了就能万岁 岁岁和年年
时间都停了 他们都回来了
怀念的人啊 等你的来到
有人说得对，有时候我想多。。。人就是这样，无意中都会考虑无数的来源，尤其是当你一个人的时候。不知道哪根筋不对，就是这样。或许经理是个答案吧。。。如果人的脑，思想，任何一切都可以很简单，单纯。。。啊！醒醒吧！还在发白热梦。 对一向来自己没有信心的我，多多少少会考虑。任何动摇都会使让我对自己失去信心。。。今天，一整个下午，听听歌，聊聊天，写写部落，心情有得到许多的平静。听到了我的音乐盒播出 taylor swift 的歌曲，心情又来到了一个不平衡。音乐在带来不少的影响在我的生活上。。。之前是听到了一首常常在婚礼的影片出现的歌曲被打败了。。。
回到五月天的干杯，回想去以前的我，梦想天高。 现在呢？去了哪里？多少已经被事实打败了。。。虽然整首歌都瞒rap，好像歌曲看到了我自己。当初的梦想呢？人生是只能认命，只能宿命， 只好宿醉吗？然后结果只剩下 高的笑点，低的哭点， 但却没成熟点？心理多多少少会挣扎，我可以任性吗？
it's time to start admitting myself old...i have no idea of why...23 and 24 is just a difference by one, but the responsibilities are like tonnes now. started to feel more and more things to deal, more and more things to be accomplish, i know there's no way of escaping from them. Coward boy!
leaving my blogspot for months, things have happen, and it's alot. it's been 6 months ever since leaving the land of America, leaving with memories and great experiences. It was a gold opportunity for me, standing in the giant piece of land of the other side of the world, totally...learning the culture, thoughts, people, it truly enrich my life. though it isn't really adaptive to the tiny piece of land where im stepping now, it's worth, truly worth...i miss the food, people, customs, laws and rules, everything. they are so unique for me.
in support of my enthusiasm of photography, im getting myself a semi-dslr camera. LUMIX GF-3
costing MYR 1,700, im still learning to capture good quality photos from it. Apparently, im just great in capturing some basic angles of photos on day time. it just gets worst during the night time. but, it accompanies me capturing great moments in my life.
Moving on to next moment, visiting Kingdom of Thailand! Drove from Malaysia to Thailand, crossing the border via Bukit Kayu Hitam and Sadao borderline, it took like half of the day to reach Hatyai. Visited last Christmas, after my sis wedding a month later, Thailand again gives me another way of looking to the life, how a city of metropolitan grows without the ease of the fast growing technology, and so...im totally indulged into the city of Hatyai, and i can laugh remembering the moments I talked to the locals with the most broken english and mandarin i can, the best of it all, sign language!
Christmas 2011 was another unforgettable moments, I had a truly western christmas party, potluck, gift exchange, plus christmas song singing instead of normal christmas dinner like the years before.
2012 steps in, and im truly touched by my superiors, managers, and fellow colleagues warm support when i made a shout out to wear red on the working day before chinese new year weekend. you guys are rocks!
and not to miss out the fellows from other department who support my shout out!
and here comes the year of dragon...back to the workplace and visited kek lok si after more than 10 years
and Kae Vin has invited to his house warming party
and today is the last day of the new year...soon the valentine is coming, act feeling like nothing like the previous years, will i be getting someone soon? will i be able to solve the dilemma i have now soon? or im waiting green light? still a dilemma and yet complicated...
