Chin Wey ™

这几天的我真在想很多事情。。。写的部落格都是很感性。面对大众的我越来越难开口。。。不知道那根脑精坏了。。。开学的第三天已经写了三篇文章。。。还是全部都是华语的。。。第三天，总是觉得想把目前的学业快快念完。总是把一年半的时间看得好象很快就回来令。 我的梦想，我的理想，去那呢？我还会继续奋斗吗？原来人在成长的时，感觉是会变的。理智是会变的。



就好像所写的，在这里，我就是我，不必伪装。有很多是想说出口。就是卡在喉咙，害怕。老是觉得不要说是最好的选择。在电话聊天越来越不会找话题聊。刚刚跟家人聊都会安静了很久。以前都不会这样。。。

李敬威。。。开学了。。。乐观点。。。不该想的事情，不要再去想了。。。一定要在挫折中学习，不要一直在错下去。一次教训足够了。。。

今早我见到一个女生朋友，我告诉她我的部落格已经update了。 她就问我为什么写华语呢？毕竟我的华语不是那么好。我却回她说有时候表达一些感性的故事时候，英文好像不是我的选择。我总是觉得写华语的文章能表达我目前在内心说的东西。。。

第二天开学。总觉得好像发了一场梦刚刚醒过来。一切都还没回到轨道上。三个月的时间真的令人感觉与众不同。我越来越不了解我自己。我的人为跟以前都不太一样。 我越来越不理外面的世界，身边的人。开学两天了，许多人问我周边的朋友发生的事情。目前对我而言，去年发生在我周边朋友的事感觉好像刚刚发生那样。很新鲜。。。以前的我，见到不对的事情就会说，就会反抗。我感觉到，我也曾经做过，三思很多事情才决定要不要说出来。人总是会成长的，但这个改变会好吗？

十二点了。还有一个小时才到我的课。一个人坐在电脑室写部落格，脑海里会浮现很多幸福的时光。在学院，小时候，在实习的三个月，在家里，在国民服务，和目前住的地方。。。那些都是我的幸福时光。。。虽然实习和国民服务的日子难熬，但在熬的当中我得到幸福，知讯，朋友。。。虽然那些朋友都不能长久。。。都已经过去了，过去了。。。往事只能回味。。。

在家靠父母，出外靠朋友。。。我不知道这句成语还能用多久。当每一个人都渐渐在成长的时候，每个人都会有自己的人生，自己的理想，自己的家庭，自己的幸福。不再是一群人走，反而是一对一对人走。放假所发生的事情渐渐的在我心里画上另一个人生阶段。我成人了。不再是少年。不再是小孩。该有我的自己的人生。不可以每次都依赖别人，父母，哥姐。他们有他们的生活，有人值得比我去关心。。。那我呢？就活在自己的世界里面吧。。。

十二点半了。昨天有个人告诉我，叫我找人陪伴我。我心里知道。我不能利用人。我不能因为这样就找人。虽然是有一股冲动的谈恋爱，但我理智的想，我并什么跟人家谈恋爱？我有什么？没有。想了在想，我看还是不要开始吧。虽然这个年纪真的是有点晚了，但没办法。我没有东西值得去被爱。姨丈也说过是时候了可以开始一段恋情了。。。

十二点四十五，上课咯。。。不要在想有的没的事情咯。。。

最近都好像活在过去的时光。。。每次都在想当时的情景。这就是所谓的幸福吗？我已经好几天都在看这首歌的歌词，想从这首歌里找出我要的答案。。。但却被这首歌的意识关在当时的情景。。。

每次出发最喜欢坐靠窗，想著未来看著远方

现实和想像多麽不一样，好奇真相要有胆量

安静的眼泪 滴在楼顶的地上， 加盖的梦能盖在哪

黑暗瞑 落雨声，鸟仔天光犹原会唱歌

想回到那年幸福的时光，口袋里是满满的希望

再难也敢去闯，只因有妳在身旁

风中才不像流浪，携带著那段幸福的时光

平静每个失眠的晚上，紧握一种信仰

不要翅膀要坚强，雪花融在眼里看见火花


虽然我知道我不能回到过去，但我真的希望一切如回以前那样。。。好像找人聊聊。。。

i started to feel strange to myself, nowadays i like to keep everything inside my heart...unwanted to speak it out. will that only happens when i talk to my parents only? or to everyone... i would not know...

is this the transition that everyone would experience? from teenage to adult? im not sure...i never experience this...it feels insecure whenever you heard someone that you dint tell him about that knows it, especially something which is secretive...

i used to share my privacy stuff to people whom i trust...not to name them here...but that is used to...apparently, i dont have the eager to share it to anyone...i dont know why i have such feelings...will i back to my own in the past...self locked?

many things happened last year, to me...beginning of the year was kinda terrible to me, i still feel afraid when i think about that. how am i wish of deleting the year 2009 in my mind...then comes to summit of the year, though going smoothly, but there is still something going wrong here and there...then comes to the second half year, i felt like im in a damn shit! everything getting worsen than before...i lost my phone in a scam, pc spoil, this and that...sigh...i never expecting myself will fall into a scam. i always heard all the stories from friends, beware this and that...i have fully alert of the environment enough...fine, i dont really want to retrieve back the old stories in '09
though lots of activities i have participated in the end year of '09, but i nearly encounter accidents in some of them...do they still call good? however, in the midst of days getting worsen in the year, im glad and blessed to meet many new friends during training period, no matter they are friends from utar or scm itself...im glad and blessed with that...

beginning of year 2010 will be another challenge for me. im 22 this year, a year older than the previous year. many things i still have doubts on it...my personality, partner of life, future working place-to-be, and lots of stuff...hoping that i can reveal all the doubts and find my direction by this year...

hope i can end the horror time by this moment...

it was a usual day, and i took the bus from teluk intan to ipoh to celebrate new year with my brother at lush. i bought the ticket, seat #7 at 4pm early in the morning, afraid no more ticket. before 4pm, i board the bus and tried to look for seat #7. ah-ha, i found it. there is a girl sit beside me! i dont know why my heart beat fast when i just see her, though i cant see her front face yet. she, yet at this angle very attractive to me. i couldnt stop peeping at her all the time. i cant sleep through the whole journey to ipoh. my heart just beat very fast all the time. finally the bus reached ipoh city and i tried to peep again to look at her full face...hmm...just normal only for me...my heart somehow break into pieces at that time...i cant imagine how i control my pose all the way to the ipoh and the heart broken into pieces...but this is a good sign, it's been a long time i dint have my heart beat that fast...will i end my single life soon?