ChIn WeY ™

feelings are expressed here...

時間過得真快!一轉眼又是幾乎一年了!這一年來都是在忙著工作的事,沒有真正的思考除了工作以外,我還想要做什麽。人生感覺就是不斷地在工作,毫無目標。這件事情有的時候搞到我有點精神分裂,加上有某人對我所質疑使到我有開始對我所付出的努力和時間懷疑。我努力了那麽多,幾乎天天熬夜加班,得到的既然是。。。

一個半夜來的建議和因爲我的多事讓我心情低落,加上今天遇到一個認識的人拖著新女友出街,我開始想我到底是怎樣的人。据我所知,那位認識的人才剛剛結束他上一個戀情大概半年左右就有了新的一個。我是不是太愛我自己了呢?我是不是太過務實和追求成就名利呢?爲什麽一個人可以有那麽短的空窗期,而我既然空窗了那麽久。次次我都把感情放成順其自然,它就沒有出現在我的未完成的名單。是這樣嗎?有人說人需要另一半來互相對靠,不可能可以一個人生活。是我太習慣一個人做事,就覺得不需要急進的尋找呢?我曾經覺得一個人做事是會寂寞,但我漸漸的很享受獨處的時間。我開始喜歡為自己在家做菜,一個人逛超商,偶爾逛商圈。沒事干就留在家里休息,看看戯,沒要約就沒有出去。在公事沒人約吃午餐,就會帶走食物到我的座位吃。話聊越來越少,等等的這一切都是我獨處的生活模式而我也習慣了。

一轉眼又是來到了秋天。九月正在開始和距離我上次寫的文章實在是太遠太遠了。讀一讀回去我上次所寫的文章,漸漸發現原來很多事情都已經兌現了。

種種負面事情好像多多少少影響了我看世界,也改變了我不少。發現自己不再是以前的我那麽開朗,情緒不再有起伏,把每件事都看成一般,不再抱著希望,開始過著淡淡的生活,不再理會周圍的是非,不在對愛情又渴望。我開始忘了如何把情緒表達出來,我開始忘了怎麽燦爛的笑,我開始忘了喜歡一個人的感覺。這是好事嗎?
 說實在的,我還真的不會去表達我自己了。我的表達方式已漸漸的下降,好多事情都不想去說出來,部落格也都嬾的去經營了。我開始覺得喜歡獨處,靜靜的聼周圍的事情,不需要説話。我已經兌現忘了喜歡人的感覺,不知道也沒和不敢去想到底愛情是什麽。快要一年了,我是在做什麽呢?

今天“洗”完一個和我工作上有關係的人,心裏覺得怪怪的。好久沒有駡人那麽久了。我猜我有罵他超過一小時在會議室裏面。都有一段時間我都在過著平平淡淡的生活,竟然我要發功駡人,實在不習慣。你爲什麽要我發火來罵你呢?你就不可以爲自己爭氣一點嗎?

回顧一下剛不久過去的三月,我成功登上了沙巴神山。在那一瞬間,我覺得在我失落的那幾個月好有成就感。登上了神山總會有另一種體會,想法,和感觸。雖然我並不比別人強,但我已完成我的“to do list”。我要繼續完成我的未完成的列表,但是這個時候需要慢慢來了。。。

九月的我看著自己寫過的文章在去年十二月的我,感覺好驚訝可以目測自己會過著哪一種的生活。雖然知道自己變了,但活在這個空間的我感到舒服。雖然知道這對社交並不好,但有一種力量在拉著我繼續留在這個空間裏生活。接下來的我還會繼續這樣的活下去嗎?

真的不知道該下怎樣的標題,只好下了剛剛追完的連續劇,on call 36 小時。原本這只是一個普普通通的行醫和急救的連續劇,我萬萬沒想到竟然在最後幾集我不停的落淚,尤其是在車車辦了她的生命贊禮開始。這是我第一次聽到生命贊禮而我不停地落淚直到車車在劇中離世。我在想,這不就是一般的離別的情節, 爲什麽我會有那麽大反應呢?或許有些事情壓抑了很久,很久。。。所以才會有所反應。

離我上次上傳得文章都有一季了。好久好久沒有在把我的感觸用文筆寫下來。一季說短不短,說長也不長。許多事情也發生在我身上。特別是在我的工作崗位上。種種負面事情好像多多少少影響了我看世界,也改變了我不少。發現自己不再是以前的我那麽開朗,情緒不再有起伏,把每件事都看成一般,不再抱著希望,開始過著淡淡的生活,不再理會周圍的是非,不在對愛情又渴望。我開始忘了如何把情緒表達出來,我開始忘了怎麽燦爛的笑,我開始忘了喜歡一個人的感覺。這是好事嗎?沒希望就不會有絕望,情緒沒起伏就不會知生氣的感覺,沒有在對愛情的渴望就不會體會被拒絕的感覺。

不少人開始問我幾時要找個女朋友來交往,最近我開始用沒興趣來打發他們了。看來我開始對愛情來得沒興趣。我依然是對於認識新人感到毫無興趣,還是對待在家内睡睡覺,看看電視,追追連續劇比較有趣。半年了,已經超過半年了我就是這樣過日子,但我還是對於婚姻和新房有點點小計劃。可能不久來也對這個打消念頭咯,嘻嘻。。。

已經接近年終了,明年的我會是怎樣呢?會不會也是像今年一樣, 還是恢復一些正常人該有的熱心跟期望呢?或者是變得跟負面呢?這聖誕和陽曆新年我打算就在家裏度過吧,應該不會像以往都期待一些慶祝和聚會。我這樣好嗎?

there's urge for me to write a piece of blog recently, as there is a special feeling to be written down as part of my life. however, i just cant find a right time to open a new tab to blogger.com. now this is just is, after couple weeks of procrastinating it, hehe...


i stepped to another country again this year, the Republic of China (RoC) or Taiwan. this round i choose to backpack with my friend, chee kit and i really really enjoyed the time spent in taiwan because of the people, environment and also i experienced again the feeling of zero burden on my shoulder. such a feeling is awesome and i find myself spiritually relaxed from all the worries and concern back in malaysia. i should have organize again trips to places that i can do backpack in future, and will return to taiwan someday. there are lots of places that awaits me to discover there :)

on the same quarter of this year, i did made myself to the southern of malaysia, johor bahru with my university buddies and we made trips to the legoland and also the hello kitty town. it was really fun as it recalls my childhood memories, the joy of playing at the playground and the theme park, the excitement feeling of meeting old friends, and lots more. i get to know them back in 2009, and it is 4 years now. there is a saying that friends are easy to find but true friends are hard to remain, and i believe that. this applies to my college friends who i met recently in one of wedding dinner, and i tried to calculate how long we actually know each other. it turns out that we know for more than 7 years now. oh my god! time really flies. when i only know how to expect the pay day to arrive sooner, i dint realized that the rest of the day are actually passing by like the water tap flowing. 

i looked at myself these days, i have climbed out from the well where i have stayed sorrow for almost one year, the time where my tears flows non-stop because of somebody, the time where my life is completely unpredictable, and the time where i have only my body without the soul for most of the time, like the zombie. it is a good sign actually when i find myself okay to discuss things that have happened in the past, but when i have calm for most of the time, things do not turn right. i remember my friend who told me to find girlfriend when he thinks it is not right to talk most of the things to him or other friends, i started to have a perception to keep many things to myself. i started to talk lesser to people about myself, keeping most of my curvy feelings away and only delivering the flat feelings to the outside world. and i think this has caused my communication fluency in all languages are deteriorating now. i realized that i have the reluctant to get to know newbies in the office, as well as in the group of friends. i used to have the passion to know more people, talk with them and get to know their different thoughts of life. but i like to stay alone nowadays, be im at home, office, or anywhere else. there is a thought that comes into my mind yesterday before i went to sleep is what type of birthday celebration that i wish for as there are bunch of my friends celebrating their birthdays on this month. it turned out to be my surprise that i wish that my birthday dinner would not be a lonely dinner. the dinner does not has to be equipped with surprises nor birthday cake. it is just a simple dinner, like any other days in the year. it sounds really really pathetic and in fact when i read it back of what i have wrote a while ago, i sounded dumb, but i think thats what i wish for right now, and i achieved it this year! 

okay, i should cut the crap off now. its not that my birthday is going to come soon. more days to be counted before my birthday actually arrives. well, i think i feel i am comfort with myself in this zone of loneliness and i do not sure of how long will i stay here. i hope this wouldnt create any emotional disease that may subsequently causes some mental problem. i do not know of when i can start to express myself again, continues to fall interest to people, and not isolating myself from the community again. 

im pretty sure i am okay for now, am i? 

till now, i still unable to learn about your loss. your permanent loss...i feel like im still dreaming, at this moment. the dream that i really wish to wake up without delaying a single second. things happen too sudden, totally. i know everything is too late now, i do not know whether you will receive my message, but i hope you will...

how are you there now? have you learned that you are no longer with us? please stay strong by yourself there. you maybe too shock to learn about it too. what about us left over here? You are always with us...

it's been months we have not meet up. we dont really meet up during the recent general election, even the recent my homecoming. i dont expect things really really turned ugly at this time. why God wants you to be with Them so soon? i believe you have lots of things havent achieve in your life.

i know this is an unavoidable casualty, and i still cant digest this grieve soon. its like another normal day...i really really cant accept your loss. but i know everyone of us has to, you are leaving us, permanently...tears and grievousnesses keep overwhelming myself when i writing this page...

there's nothing else i can let you bring along except for the last message written here...so long my cousin, i will remember you and the moments of the past...wish you doing well there...

3 days past my birthday, and im another year older than last year. time really really flies, when every month expecting for the pay day, i should make myself clear that another pay day means another day closer to your upcoming birthday...

it wasnt a good and joyful birthday indeed this year, things that i thought i would have forgotten as the times goes on did not work. they haunted me on my day. songs that i thought i would not get upset after listening for thousands of times turn me ugly on that day. what am i doing! my mind got messed up by myself on that day, i try to be getting myself like any other day, but i cant. i dont know why...

its like a spell for me. struck 12 it haunted me and when it is 24th hour, the feeling went off...can i really get rid of them?

the birthday...really happy? i am in the mess. i want to get them off, live of what i am now. sometimes i do really think in this way, when you do not expect something, then you would not get upset...thats what i want?

reviewing back on my blog, i realized that i have not posting a new page for a quarter! this page is going to be the kickstart for the year of 2013. time really really flies, 3 months have just passed like that, without noticing...i should have noticed it as i have received pay for 3 times, lol...but they are just not enough...lol

recalling the past year by reading again of what i have posted, all the scenarios are somehow still fresh in my mind, is like they are just happened not long ago...they sounded silly to me now. i dont blame anyone for the cause but myself. im still feel the beauty behind the sad story and still wish the happiness come to her. i have walked out from the sadness, not back like the past, but different person now. probably less sentimental person, lack of after-work life, closed minded person person? i have no idea

i can sense myself what has happen to me ever since then, but i dont have any action to figure out why had happened and how to overcome them. i just let it be the way it is. i turned to be not an outgoing person, unwilling to get to know new person, even girls. its like im not ready to get something new in my life or make any changes to them. everything is just fine for me now. i dont want to listen to trouble, i dont want to know something that will change anything in my life. friends and colleagues are surprised at first when they realized im not the first one to know if there are female newbies join the company, instead im consider the last few to know and acknowledged their presence. they tried to introduce girls to me as friends, but i just do not have the intention to know someone new. its not that i have abnormal sexual attraction! i just feel uneasy to any strangers now. im kinda feel myself easy when im alone. probably this make me wanted to stay at home for most of the time and not going out. friends would not realize this as i still okay and react normally as they are the people i have known before, but like to stay at home more. the feeling of reluctant to go meet new people is there, probably im not ready for a change in my life?

i have purchased a flight ticket to Kota Kinabalu to conquer the mountain recently. i am so happy to know that i finally have the chance to see another greatest nature in my life again. but this made my mum kinda not happy though. this is because my mum feels that i like freedom and do not plan for my future. this surprises me as she made a statement saying i need to get married and have kids. i simply replied her that i do not even have a girlfriend, how am i going to do that? she made another statement that really shocked me, saying that im not young anymore and should start getting stable in my life now. she never talked about this to me and i always thought that she dont care much about my happiness since im just 25 (oh no ><) this year. i cant imagine she said that. i just feel funny when she said that. i know i should not give up after a small failure, and this failure is even you have not start the relation yet. living in this world for 25 years now and you still cant get a person as your partner of life? is it because i am too choosy, or i like freedom more than love, or family first, or myself not a good qualification?

i always say it aloud that i dont mind to be forever alone, but still deep in my heart, i mind! i am really mind that i forever alone. one of my friend always envy me for having siblings in my family as my friend does not has any, but still as we grown up, we would have our own family and they could not take care of you forever. i still have to grown up by myself and if i still cant get anyone, i will stay and live by myself.

recent medical check-ups at clinic and hospital really put me in a awkward situation. doctors advised me to get a girlfirend. LOL. both doctors advised similar things to me. i should get a girlfriend and build your family.  but it seems like i couldnt make it this year. im closing myself to all possible new doors. i dont have any intention to get the chunk of keys and open them. just let them get rust and i walked by them. i know it doesnt seems serious to me but it will get serious as the time goes by. but i dont know how to help myself.

there is a friend who recently changed totally the way he treat me. or probably all the while im the one who go and bother him. we have nothing to talk and even sees nothing when he passed by me. well, he used to be    my good friend but i dont see he appreciate it but hated it. i tried to look for him to talk but to avail. thats the way he choose to and i cant do anything. i have put my effort to do it and he dont appreciate it, and im done. its awkward when someone used to close to you in the past, but sees you as invisible now. but i cant do anything...

i become more and more keeping the feeling to myself, pretending as if im okay everyday. i have turned into person who do not how to express my own feeling. everyday is like normal feeling for me. i have no energy to express them out, to anyone else. i feel like a monotone, awaiting someday to burst. lol

maybe is because i have been long time dont blog...lol...but its a great midnight for me...

hi...

My photo
this is chin wey, sharing thoughts and feelings deep inside my heart

site readers

blog counter
readers since 23/09/09